is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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