Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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