before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
