Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
