do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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