no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
