12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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