You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
