I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
