Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We are two peas in an std pod
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
