"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
