Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
