I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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