apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
