I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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