Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot†doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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