He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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