I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
