Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
