I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
