You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
