she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
