i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
