I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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