mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
