Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
