Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
