You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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