my phone needs a breathalizer
i just had sex bonerless
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
