So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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