so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
