I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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