I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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