I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
