just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
People in love make me want to vomit
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
