Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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