I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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