Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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