So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
