Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
