someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Pants 0. Shit 1.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
