Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
