I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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