I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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