He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize