Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
