Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ladies don't puke and tell
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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