my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
