her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
