I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
