So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
