Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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