he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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