He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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