walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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