Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it hurts more in the daytime
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
