So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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