I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
