Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
