so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
