grandma shit on top of the toilet
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You pole danced in your parka.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize