our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
