lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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